How much of a downer was I on!?

Last time I blogged, I was all 'murgh murgh murgh' - not unhappy exactly, more just confused and 'lashing out' almost. This has always been a place for me to out let, and so I did, but changing the blurb like I did was a bit OTT. I've had a bunch of Moo MiniCards made up and they've all got my blog address on them so, I've decided that instead of this being the place I dump all my shit, it will be the place where I dump everything.

The first thing I want to mention is that I have sucessfully completed the Youth Leader Training Course laid on at my church for the Boys Brigade. As I am now 'officially' a leader in my company I had to attend but it was actually a goood laugh and I think I took a lot away from it. The biggest thing being that I am actually a lot more confident than some people are - as hard to belive as that might be!

Session one of this three week course was mainly about getting to know eachother so biscuts, tea, coffee etc. were laid on before hand. I'm sure it would have been nice had I not arrived ten minutes before the start when everyone was taking their seats. This time, my lateness was not (directly) due to my notoriously poor timekeeping.

The story runs as such. Natalie wanted to see as many of the people from college before she went back to university and so planned a picnic in the park. Regents park to be precise. Now, I live just outisde of a little place called Romford which, according to google, is about nineteen miles from Regents Park. Rather than just getting the train up there Aaron and I decided that as he was back for a while me might as well get the train part way and cycle the rest. Taking in some of the sights as we went. Well that was the plan anyway.

What actually happened was a little different. We cycled from Aaron's to Upminster to catch the C2C to Fenchurch Street (5mi. - no problems) and from Fenchurch Street to Regents Park (another 5mi.). The only thing I've got to say at this point is that if you have a map and are planning on following it, make sure you've taken into account the one finecky one way systems in London!

So lunch was nice and seeing everyone again was a real treat, we even had a game of frizball afterwards - thought on reflection this would have been better before we had all eaten. So, because you can't take non-folding bikes on trains between half four and seven and because I had to be in Collier Row at seven for my course we left about about quarter to four. Plenty of time to get back, or so we though. Inevitably thought, we got lost. We totally couldn't find Fenchurch Street so eneded up falling back to Liverpool Street (5mi. over all). By the time we got there it was about twenty to five.

And they wouldn't let us on the train.

On any other day it wouldn't have been a problem. We could have just gone to Jane's uni place and waiting until seven but because I had my course we didn't have much other choice but to bike it. We went Liverpool Stree --> Stratford (~5mi), Stratford --> Ilford (~4mi.), Ilford --> Chadwell Heath (~3mi.), Chadwell Heath --> Collier Row (~3mi.).

So, thirty miles over all. And I arrrived at the church just in time. I was quite pleased with myself too, despite looking a stte with oil all up one leg and smelling like a rugby team in a rainforest. Everyone was really understanding though, which was nice. Especially after all the bloody effort we went through to get there in time.

But, yes, the courses themselves were pretty good. It was nice to meet a few new people aswell and I've nicked some of their e-mail addresses so we can hopefully stay in touch as well. I really believe that a much more coordinated effort is whats needed to push forward the recruitment of boys.

But thats another post right there, and I'm not doing it today.
Mikey; out!

Its out of my hands now.

Just been talking to JessieCake online and basiclly went off on an rant, thought I'd put it up here DESPITE knowing it'll upset some people, because I need to get it off my chest. The way I'm feeling is wierd, and its hard to articulate, as you'll see below. Anyway, JessieCake *just* asked me how I feel;

Feel wierd...

Kind of 'elated'

But not too sure why :s

Which makes it intersting

LIke..

I'm actually doing something with my life

But maybe more because my friend Rachael is meeting someone from the Internet for the first time soon and she's so smitten with him

He must be too because he's coming from Canada!

Anyway, seeing as you're clearly not reading this ;) I'm gonna keep on ranting :D

I wish that guys was me :(

So why I'm elated I really don't know

Maybe because she's happy, I'm happy? As gay as that sounds.

By the by, this isn't intended to rock the boat. This blog has always been an emotional outlet for me because, lets face it, I'm not very good at it irl. This entry just builds on that.

Mikey

P.S. I'm sorry if I've upset you, in anyway, but I had to do this.

New/Updated CV - Criticism appreciated!

Michael Barnes

E-Mail; mikeybarnes@gmail.com

---

Objective

I am currently seeking long-term, part-time, employment between Monday and Friday, in order to supplement my existing income.

Personal Statement

I have two and a half years of retail experience and my work has been highly appraised by both customers and management staff alike. I was recently informed that I have been nominated for a customer service award for this quarter and also offered training with a view to becoming a Team Manager.

Education & Qualifications

September 2005 - June 2007 Havering Sixth Form College

I studied three subjects at A-Level standard and achieved the following grades;

• General Studies - C

• Mathematics (Mechanics) - D

• Physics - E

I also studied two subjects to AS-Level standard, these were;

• Applied ICT - D

• French - E

September 2000 - June 2005 Marshalls Park Senior School

At GCSE level I attained;

• Electronics - A*

• Science - Double Award - AA

• English Language - A

• English Literature - A

• Mathematics - A

• French - B

• History - B

• Statistics - C

I also gained a pass mark for GNVQ ICT.

Work Experience

November 2005 - Present, Boots The Chemist

Sales Assistant - I have been a sales assistant at Boots for over two years and thoroughly enjoy my work there. In addition to being till trained, I am also trained in the development, processing and printing of picture from both traditional and digital media

July 2005 - August 2005, Marshalls Park Senior School

IT Technician - I spent three weeks as an IT Technician over the summer of 2005, before I began my college courses began, earning money for college. Although I would genuinely love to have stayed longer, there unfortunately wasn't enough room in the budget to finance my continued employment with the school. Over the three weeks I spent there however, I developed my teamwork and interpersonal skills as well as learning how to knuckle down and get a job done - however tedious. Working at Marshalls I realised that more often than not, it is sheer determination and striving, constantly, towards a goal that gets a task finished well.

May 2004 - May 2004, Pinewoods Primary School

Teaching Assistant - I spent two weeks at Pinewoods on a work experience placement, from which I learnt a great deal. I very much enjoyed my time there, working with both the children and the staff, but it led me to realised that teaching was not the right career choice for me - as had been my opinion until that point.

Affiliations

The Square Wheel Project

I have worked with The Square Wheel Project since 2005. Originally I was responsible for the design, creation and continual upgrading and updating of the charity's website, although this role quickly expanded to encompass managing many more of the project's IT systems.

10th Romford Boys Brigade

I have been affiliated with the 10th Romford Boys Brigade for ten years, the last three of which I have spent in a leadership role. The company meets every Tuesday night of the school term and aim to provide a break from the usual routine for both the parents and for boys who attend. Whilst a member, I have taken part in two consecutive Waltham Walk competitions, the first of which we won and the second of which we completed in a respectable time with a good score. I am now looking forward to completing some of the the many training coursed the organisation has to offer registered leader.

Turns out...

Fucking up is easy. And I'm on a roll.

Back to square one then?

As I'm sure you all know by now, I only ever seem to blog bad things. Stuff that I need to get off my chest but because I'm such a fucked up individual I bring myself to venting on other people i.e. my friends. I've talked about this recently, with one of my best friends and although I know she wouldn't care if I called her at two o'clock in the morning, I woirry she might. So I don't call. I blog instead. The upside to this is that, when its all over and done with and I've moved out and I'm finally independent and free, I'll be able to show this entire thing to my parents and maybe they'll have a better idea of how I'm feeling. I'm sure as hell not going to tell them direct because, to be honest, I just don't want to go there. Its a big, raw, bundle of emotion and I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.


So yes, I blog instead. Today my mum actually asked me if I was happy. Which is strange because that makes her the second person thats asked in the past month or so. Anyway, I avoided the question by saying something like "I've got no reason not to be". I think she twigged though because she pressed the issue. I know she's only trying to help, but right now she is the last person I want help from. I've still got his whole complex about asking her or my dad for anything, because it usually ends up with them throwing it back at me in an argument. The way I see it is, if I don't as for stuff then they can't use it as emotional blackmail material later on. So, she asked, and I avoided - simple huh?


But the truth is, I'm not happy. And not in an 'I'm angry at the world' kind of way. Just a regular run of the mill, I have nothing going for me right now. And I do know that its my fault, I do nothing to improve my prospects instead choosing to sleep ten or twelve hours a day and surf the internet for the remainder. Even going to work, which I used to look forward to (genuinely) has lost its appeal since Bhavesh started being a knob to me. Just because I don't take his shit anymore.


I know I'm not making it easy for myself there either, but for some reason I just refuse to be walked all over anymore. I've always been a good obedient person, because I've never wanted to rock the boat and always cared more about hurting other people then about my own feeling. Now, its all about me. Its time to look after number one, and I think I should have started doing that a long time ago.


I thing I said in my last post that I would be attempting to shut myself away in my room, to avoid making so much mess and, thus, avoid arguments but that doesn't seem to be working out so well. I'm back to wanting to move out. The only thing is, to that, I need a decent job. I'm going down the the met careers office on Monday so have a look at what I can do. Hopefully, they'll say I can apply to be a PC and I'll join up and that'll be that. My career, my entire future decided because I can't bear to live with my parents anymore.


I was 'discussing' this with my mum when she asked if I still wanted to go to uni or not and I told her that the only reason I was considering going anymore was to move out. I know that isn't the reason to go and for once she actually made a sensible observation and said the same thing. Unfortunately, I don't intend on changing my ways (and they sure as hell don't) and I can't stay living here spending everyday being miserable so I need to get out.


And even now when I think about getting my own place - renting it, whatever - all I can think of is what they said to me as a child; 'don't do xyz in our house, when you have your own house you can do it there and tell us what to do in it'. I remember thinking even then that there was no-way I'd let them even know where my place was and still, now, I wouldn't want them knowing.


How fucked up am I? And why doesn't it scare me? I know I'm broken, and that its not normal to feel this way about my parents, the two people I'm meant to love more than anyone, and yet I do. So how fucked up am I? Very.


I wanna move out of here, and I want to be independent. So, I have to get a proper job, and find someone to move in with. And actually do it. And at the same time I can't stop thinking about *her* and what could happen for us. After I spoke to her everything was fine. I genuinely hadn't felt as good as I did after that phone call in about three or four months.


I've got to get up for work in five hours.


Damn. Help me..